hoodie

I’m here late, and this house is so far away from my home. I got here in someone else’s car so I don’t have to worry about it. I don’t ever think about how I will get back.

It’s just here, this is the place I know now. Dark green trees outside and I can’t remember before. The house looks like one I used to visit, or maybe just one time. The long curtains close over the windows but I see shadows still. I find my way inside and no one sees me so I don’t have to worry at all. I see you and usually I love you but I don’t right now. I’m looking for somebody else.

I think that I’ll find it in the basement, I’ve always thought this. Dark hallway and I pass your drunk and passed out body first. Face down on the cement, liquid coming from your mouth. No one will remember I am here so I don’t have to do anything, nothing to worry about at all, but I remember your body well.

There is a small light on and you’re right there on the couch in the middle of the room. Ceiling is sinking. I had too much to drink but I can’t remember the drinking part. I still want more. I lay down beside you. Your hoodie smells like old rain and you look sick. It makes me feel so sorry for you. I have known you for so long, but I’ve never known how to help. I start burying myself into you with the hope you will bury yourself into me. I want to put your fingers in my mouth but I don’t know where you have been, plus you want it too bad, I can hear you in my ear. I don’t want anyone to see us. I wished we were alone. Really, really alone.

Then I think about being with you in a back room. I think about having locked doors and no life. Staircase goes on forever. No exits. You sleep quiet. I’m in the room, door shut and dreaming.

If it was later, I might call. I would spend the hour listening and breathing back the same words you whisper to me. Sometimes you show up - in theatre seats with no room beside you. I dream of you turning back to face me and smiling like you feel how I feel. You’re trapped in me like a spirit, like I get to own you. I know it’s not real, I must know that.

I remember seeing something out there in the forest from my window. Small and shaking. I felt safe knowing I had you there, holding me back. I couldn’t go anywhere even if I tried.

That was years ago, now I know what it feels like to drive, and I know how to run. The city is full of lights and it feels best when I’m going, and worst of all when l’m gone.