looking at her

I don’t sleep good unless I’m by myself. I can feel you there, every single second. Feels like a reversal of bodies, and I know who I am, just as well as I know who you are. I want you to hear me breathing. I feel nice knowing at least I will be able to remember this. There is something small in me growing up quickly. That thing makes me bad at my job, that thing makes me bleed and not clean it up.

It takes me a minute to connect dots, to know what I mean, then to say the thing out loud. I think about spending the day alone. When I was young and to be completely anonymous meant only to cross the highway and walk to the river. The time I drove you to my home because I wanted to show you, and when we got there my dad was drunk and he gave me his knife. I was embarrassed because we had driven so far. So I walked you to the river and you told me how to hurt yourself. I think I watched you from across the water, knowing then that I was going to be fucked forever.

I’m learning about the word limerence. I am trying to pronounce it right in my head. I woke up last night and said it over and over in the two different ways it might be pronounced. So when I work up the nerve to say it out loud at least I’ll be able to say it right. But I haven’t spoken out loud in three days. Only to my phone. My messages won’t deliver anymore and I wonder if it is my fault.

The train gets stuck for three hours in Albany. They are looking for a new engine. I’m watching my best friend’s movie on my phone trying to cover the screen because there are so many naked girls. Oh my god I love this movie. I barely noticed we weren’t moving. After that I listen to the same three songs for five hours and watch the snowstorm outside. Rushing wind and open white lake. I get up to check my pupils in the bathroom mirror because they just keep getting bigger. Keep watching me, keep paying attention.

I’m tempering myself aren’t I, I just want someone to share it with. I just want to share it with you the way I do in my head. Because I have been imagining this thing for myself since I was little and the pieces start to fit a little bit better but it hurts me the closer it gets. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to lose you.

The night here is ice cold light blue and twirls around me while I dream of tongue kissing you hard, then harder, then I am awake. You used to text me like you wanted me but I think you found someone. I’ve found a sister this year, with orange hair and a similar pain. We crashed in waves and did pushups on the beach like brothers. You cut my hair short on the balcony and tell me to sit still or you will cut my shoulders for sure.

Maybe you miss me, maybe you missed me and forgot to tell me. I fill in these blanks because it feels better that way. I know what’s really in there. Blips of moments in the restaurant with you where I forget who I am altogether. Just look at her, I tell myself, just look her in the eyes and she will never be able to tell

.