Texting her

I’m thinking on it. I don’t know for sure yet. It sure used to be different. Used to feel good. I get up to open my window. I’m laying in my bed with the half wet bathing suit still on. It’s my body I’m inside, it’s my skin. I pull out my computer and text you. Do you like me too? He says no. I say whhhyyy?

It would be nice to be in contact. I want to know the things you are doing, I want to tell you mine. The time change would make it tricky. I’m sure we could figure it out.

You both have the same name, in my head anyways. She’s got it good doesn’t she. She doesn’t need me anymore. Roll up another cigarette, go back to the party. Stop thinking about that, it hardly exists.

You used to be real, a whole life in my hands. A whole person in my room, half of my things on your side. It’s nice to think of the porch on the couch. All dusty from pollen and ash. Two full bottles of wine and you tell me I’m a total superstar, I have another glass, I ask you to tell me again.

I have visions though. I see things too. I’m bleeding, oh my god I’m bleeding. White sheets again and it’s done for us. I stopped caring, started sleeping.

If you want the truth I’m sick and I’ve been silent for most of this. I tell you I can’t tell you and I promise I’m being truthful.

But I am lying, about something, always.

She asks me if I’m honest? I said no, she said whhhyyy

Turns out I just wanted to see you smile. I wanted to hear you laugh. There is no point in you knowing all the bad stuff. I hardly know you, so why did I say that? She’s holding my hand in the street, do you see this? She’s holding my hand!

It’s going to be June again, and I’ll be going home. I’ve been thinking of you this whole time, like a fever, that part is true.